Pulse - Part Four (The Pulse Series) Read online

  "I can fix this." His tone is determined and strong. "Tell me how. Jessica, tell me."

  "You said…" I feel every defense I've built up since I met him crumbling to my feet in a pool of heated dust. "You said that you fucked my body to him. I heard it. I heard you talking about me like that."

  "Christ, no." He pulls my head into his chest, cradling his arms around me. "I didn't mean it like that. You're not just a fuck. You've never been just a fuck. Please tell me you get that, Jessica. Tell me."

  "I can't stop hearing those words in my head." I pull my hands to my temples. "Hearing you tell him that. Hearing you say it to Drew."

  "I just wanted that to be over." His voice pleads as his hands claw at my arms. "I just wanted to get all of that over with and behind me."

  "You can't talk about me like that." The words pale in comparison to their meaning. I can't shake the sound of his voice boasting about bedding me.

  "Jessica, please." His body is steely against me. His resolve is unwavering. "Tell me what to do. I can't lose you. I can't go back to before you."

  "Take back what you said to him." I'm asking him to do the impossible. I'm asking for something he can never give to me.

  He pulls me even closer. "I'll make you forget you heard that. I'm going to drown it out. I'll show you."

  Chapter 12

  "I worked for Cassandra for about two weeks." I'm so tired of all the secrets. I feel like I'm the missing piece in the jigsaw puzzle that makes up all of these people's lives. It's time for me to grow up and take responsibility for my part in the mess that's become my not-so-glamorous life in New York City. He'd been texting me for days now asking about Cassandra. He wants answers, so do I. That's why I'm here.

  "What? When?" Drew throws both questions at me with lightning speed. "You worked for my Cassie?"

  "I started the day after you and I met at the club." The timing seems insane now that I'm thinking about it. "She was the boss of a close friend and I had an interview. She hired me on the spot."

  "You cooked for Allie and Aaron?" Hearing the twins' names coming from him gives them more meaning in some way. Maybe coming to see him at work wasn't such a bad idea after all.

  "They're great, Drew." I smile when I think about their angelic faces. "They're so beautiful. You should be really proud of them."

  "I am." He nods his head slowly. "I'm trying to be a better dad."

  "I didn't know you even knew them." It's not an excuse, it's the truth. "How is it possible that I could meet you and then the next day be hired by your wife?" I cringe once I realize that I should have prefaced that with an ex. Cassandra and him are divorced. I need to honor that and not remind him of the family he isn't a part of anymore.

  "You were good to them, weren’t you?"

  "All three of them are amazing." I confirm though a smile. "I loved working there."

  "I need to say something, Jess." He looks over his shoulder at the kitchen manager. "I only have a few more minutes on my break. I can't get another warning here or I'm out."

  "What is it?" I ask suspecting that he's going to bring up the harassing way he treated me back at Axel NY. Since he'd left I'd been prompted to dessert prep and going to work every day was now a joy instead of a nightmare.

  "It's about the lawyer," he grumbles. "About that night when you saw us together."

  "At the bar?"

  He nods before he pulls in an audible breath. "I saw him at the bar when I first got there with some buddies after work."

  I'm not sure I want to know what he's about to share. I'm definitely not sure any of it is going to be the truth. "You decided to bring up the bet with him?"

  "Not until I saw you." He casually adjusts the buttons on his chef jacket. "I took him a beer and sat where I knew you'd see me."

  "Why?"

  "I'd been pushing you for weeks, Jess. I thought you'd come over and blast me." He taps his finger on the edge of the table. "I wanted you to come over and blast me."

  "You wanted me to get mad at you?" I'm beyond confused. He's not making any sense at all. "You wanted me to punch you?"

  He runs his hand along his jaw and chuckles. "That I didn't expect but I deserved it."

  I nod and pull a slight grin over my lips. "You did."

  "Guys like him have it all. I didn't think anyone would take me up on that bet. When he did and he won, I was gutted." He peers behind me. "I don't have much longer."

  "Just tell me, Drew." I try to keep an even tone. "What about that night?"

  "He was telling me to go to hell when you walked over and I brought up the bet." He pulls his hand across his brow. "I was telling him that I knew I could fuck you if I really tried. I was pushing him."

  Hearing him tell me that they were discussing my body isn't offering me anything but more fodder for another rage filled outburst. "It doesn't matter." It didn't matter. That was the truth. Knowing that Nathan discussed my body with Drew only adds to my confusion and regret.

  "I told him to spell it out. I told him to just say it so we could be clear about what happened with you." I can hear something in his voice that hasn't been there before. It may be regret or it may just be more bullshit.

  "I don't really care why he said it," I lie. "You're both still disgusting for making the bet in the first place."

  "You're right," he agrees a little too swiftly. "My kids would disown me if they knew I was that pathetic. I need to man up for them. I'm learning to cope with the addiction. I'm going to be a better parent."

  "I'm glad." At the very least, maybe the one light at the end of this fucked up tunnel was that Drew was finally going to get his act together.

  Chapter 13

  "Goddammit, Jessica." His body hovers above me. "You've got to let me fuck you."

  "I came here to talk to you." I push my hips back into his couch. I can't let him feel how wet I am.

  "You want my cock in your body. Don't try and deny that." His voice is a low growl.

  I can't deny that. How am I supposed to? I arrived not more than five minutes ago with the full intention of setting ground rules, now the only barrier between my body and his was the thin silk of my panties and his trousers. "I don't…well… let's just say that I…." good for you, Jessica. Blabber on like that any longer and you won't need to tell him no, he'll push you out of his apartment door himself.

  He skirts his lips across my forehead with a heated touch. "I'm so fucking hard right now. Why the hell did you come here wearing that?"

  I look down and realize my breasts are very close to popping out of the top of my dress. "I'm on my way to dinner with my roommates."

  "Like hell you are." His hand is on my waist now, slowing inching towards my uncooperative breasts. "Your tits are so beautiful."

  "Don't say things like that." I want to sound firm and controlled. I'm pretty sure every one of those words I just said sounded like a moan.

  He rubs his groin over me and I can feel how hard he is. "I want to be inside of you."

  "You want things you can't have," I whimper.

  "I'm going to lick you until you come all over my face." His voice is nothing more than a breathless whisper. His groans are drowning themselves in my hair as he pushes himself into me.

  "You want to fuck my sweet little body." I push the words out in a slow measured tone. I'm still reeling from hearing them come out of his mouth when he was talking to Drew.

  "Jessica." He pulls himself back up to his knees. "Listen to me, now. Listen, Jessica."

  I close my eyes briefly to ward off how hot he looks. His shirt is partially unbuttoned, his hair is a mess and his eyes are full of un-tempered want. "What?"

  "Open your eyes now."

  I do. "Happy now?"

  His expression is torn. His brow is furrowed, his mouth a firm line. "I fucked up when I told Drew that I fucked your sweet little body, but…" the words trail away as his hand runs up my leg. "I can't contain what I feel. Fucking you is my sweet heaven. Nothing has ever felt like that to m
e. I fucked up when I said it, but I meant it. You want me. You've always wanted me."

  "You don't know what I want." I need to get out of here. I have to get away from him before I give in again.

  "You can run away but I'll always find you."

  My body tenses as his hand inches up my thigh. A slow moan escapes my lips. "Stop," I say it, trying to make it sound genuine.

  "You want me to stop?" His hand doesn't follow his mouth's suggestion. His finger skirts against the soft silk of my black panties. "I need to touch you. I've been aching inside for weeks."

  "Stop." My hand bolts to cover his. "Stop now."

  His eyes search mine before they rest on my lips. "You want me to stop? Jessica, say it again."

  "Don’t touch me." I push against him wanting to get myself up into at least a semi put together state. "Stop touching me."

  He pulls himself to his feet and stares down at me sprawled on my back. He'd embraced me the moment I arrived and pushed me down without any resistance. He knew then that I'd give in to him. He knows instinctively that my body craves his too. He senses that I have no resolve when it comes to him.

  "I want you." The words are meant to be simple. They should convey a direct need, a desire and a want. Coming out of Nathan's mouth they carry so much weight. They mean more than I can handle.

  "You said you'd never lie to me." I push myself up until I'm sitting. "You lied about Drew."

  He paces in front of me. "That's bullshit, Jessica. I didn't lie to you about him. I told you to stay away from him because he's fucked up."

  "You should have told me." My voice is loud, almost too loud for this space. Everything is racing full speed ahead to the surface now. "You fucking should have told me you bet on my body, you asshole."

  "Don't call me that," he spits the words at me. "Don't call me names, Jessica. You'll regret it."

  "How?" I want to stand but I know all my energy is pulled into my emotions at the moment. "How will I regret it? You'll stop harassing me? That's not a bad thing, Nathan."

  Before I can react he's sitting next to me. "I can't stop. Fuck, Jessica. You think this is something I can turn off?"

  "Why are you doing this?"

  "Doing what? Wanting you?" His face is rigid as he asks the questions. "Everything in my life is about you now. Everything. I fucked up. I get that. You can't throw me away because I'm not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, Jessica. Everyone."

  "You let me work with him." I push the subject. "I don’t understand that."

  "Understand what?" He's pulling on my hands, trying to capture them within his. "You want to be a chef. I want that for you."

  I inch back on the couch trying to gain some distance. "You should have told me he was such an asshole."

  "Christ, Jessica." He pulls himself closer to me again. "You think I knew how completely fucked he was? I would have killed him if I knew he was harassing you. I would have literally wrapped my hands around his neck and choked the life out of that asshole."

  "You knew he was chasing after me." I'm not going to let him drop this and pretend it's not important. "You saw him with me at the bar. You came to my apartment when I was going on a date with him. Wait." I stop myself when I realize that he always showed up whenever Drew was there.

  "You were following me." I bolt to my feet. "Jesus, Nathan. You've been following me all along."

  "Jessica." He hangs his head in his hands. "No. Jessica, no."

  "Why were you always right there?" My hands are trembling so hard I have to fist them together just to control the shaking now coursing through my entire body.

  "I'm not always right there." His tone is different. There's something vulnerable there. A small crack. "It wasn't me."

  "Nathan, please." I'm almost sobbing now." Please, Nathan, please."

  "Jessica. You're going to fucking hate me more than you already do." He's on his feet. "You're going to fucking hate me."

  "Oh, God." I close my eyes waiting for the assault of his words. "Just say it."

  Chapter 14

  "Did you meet him when he tried to fuck you?" I expect her to choke on that bite of soft pretzel she just took. Lucky for her I have medical training. I'll save her depending on how truthful she's going to be.

  "Who?" She chews as she throws me a quick glance. "The pretzel guy? He didn't try and fuck me. He winks at everyone who gives him a tip."

  "Nathan." I don’t want this conversation to go on any longer than it needs to. I'd already packed most of my things this morning even though I had no idea where I'd live. On my measly salary, the options in Manhattan are limited to a cardboard box or a closet.

  "What?" A one word response isn't going to cut it.

  "He told me last night." I look off into the distance. This is the same bench where Nathan and I sat weeks ago when he told me he couldn't stand the idea of missing me. I thought back then that everything between us would be simple and fun. Now, everything had turned horrible and painful in an instant.

  "What?" Again? Really? We're not going to get anywhere if she can't expand her vocabulary.

  "He asked you to report on me." I practiced saying that over and over again all morning. "That's why he always knew where I was."

  "He's lying." Finally, more than one word pops out of her. The panicked look on her face is all the confirmation I need.

  "He's not." I can't look in her in the face. "He showed me some of the texts you sent him when we were at the movies. You told him I was going to take you to that bar so he went there with his friend."

  "Shit." The pretzel falls from her hands onto the grass. "Jess, I'm sorry."

  "You took me to that hotel room for a reason, didn't you?" I ask in an even tone. It's nagged me since that day. I've always wondered why she was so righteous as she pulled me into that elevator and up to the eighteenth floor so she could watch me fall to pieces once I realized he still had the room.

  "I don’t trust him." The words aren't meant to be tempered. She's simply telling it like it is. "He used to date Cassandra."

  I laugh at the announcement. "I know." I've been trying to shelter her from that tidbit of information for weeks and now she's telling me that she knew all along? What happened to the honesty in our friendship?

  "That's where I met him." She turns to face me directly now. "I saw him in her office one day. I introduced myself."

  "Why didn't you bother to tell me that when I first went up to his hotel suite?" The question is rhetorical at this point. It wouldn’t have changed a thing. I wanted him then. I want him now. As much as I know I shouldn't, I can't help what I feel.

  "She told me that morning that they were on a break." She reaches past me to grab hold of the back of the bench. "When I saw him at the club, I knew it was over for him. I knew he was going to end it completely with her."

  "So there was nothing to hold you back from telling me?" I push the issue. She could have simply told me he was still in a relationship with her boss.

  "I wanted him but he never wanted me." Her voice cracks with the confession. "I came on to him once and he very politely told me he wasn't interested."

  I feel a slight pang of jealousy at the admission. Of course she would have tried to get him in her bed. Any woman would have given the way he looked. How could I blame her for that? I was all over him the first moment I saw him at the bar.

  "I started it when I texted him that we would be going for lunch and meeting Bryce." She taps her finger behind my back. "I couldn't believe he was there with that chick. I thought he'd be alone."

  "You told him we would be there? Why?" I stare down at my skirt, tracing my finger along the bright pattern.

  "I still thought I'd have a chance with him." She shrugs. "I thought he'd see you with Bryce and think you were taken and I'd have my opening."

  "That's why you went to pay the check?" I feel as though everything is falling into place. "You left us alone."

  "He only ever wanted you." I feel her hand on my hair, pulling it back.


  "You still want him." It's not a question. I don't need to ask that. It's more an observation. She obviously has been trying to get me to doubt Nathan. That's why she told him about my date with Drew and let him know when we went to the other club that one night.

  She shakes her head slightly. "Not anymore. He's so hung up on you, Jess."

  "So why help him?" I'm half-expecting her to tell me that he's paying her. Men like Nathan Moore can pay for whatever they want. Money means nothing to him.

  "I love you." She runs her hand along my shoulder. "You're my best friend. I knew Drew was bad news. I just gave Nate a heads-up whenever I saw Drew around you. "

  "That night at the bar you pushed me to go talk to Drew." It's open-ended on purpose. I want her to fill in the blanks so it can finally make sense to me.

  "I knew Fingers was there…" she stops herself. "Or at least coming there. I told him where we were going. I wanted him to see you with Drew so he'd finally tell him to fuck off for good."

  "You're serious?" I ask, not expecting anything in return. I can't help but doubt her motivations.

  "I've never seen you as happy as you are when you're talking about him, Jess." She pulls her gaze down to her own lap. "I just want you to be happy."

  That's easier said than done. There's one only person that truly makes me happy and he's the one man I keep trying desperately to avoid.

  Chapter 15

  "Christ, Jessica. Please." His voice rumbles through the room, bouncing off the walls. "Don't make me give this up."

  "It means nothing." I clench my sex around his cock. "It's just a fuck."

  "It's not." He pumps slowly, his hands gripping mine, pushing them into the bed. "You know it's not."

  "Fuck me, harder." I'm almost begging. "Please make me come."

  "I'm going to lick you again." He starts to pull back and I feel the tip of his cock slide over my folds.